do you retreat?

I got together with a good friend last night for dinner and coffee while Lindsey and J are away. We had a great time of catching up, seeing what's new in life, work, family, and ministry. One thing we talked about struck a chord (or a nerve) with me. It screamed a message that I have thought on numerous occasions.
My friend was telling me about a men's retreat that was coming up with his church and said that he left the last one early and hoped he wouldn't want to do the same thing here. I asked why he left early, he responded, "Because it sucked." It was a great answer.

Now if you knew this guy, you would like him. He's a guy who cares more about God and people than anybody else I know, so if he said it sucked, I am sure it did, and not because he was uncomfortable or intimidated. Christian men's retreats can be lame. Not always, but too often, and here's some reasons why:

1) Lame and Boring Most guys I know don't like to sit in one spot for too long. I think it's a response to all the sitting we had to do in school growing up. We like to be doing things, being outside, building, climbing, whatever. Sitting and listening to a speaker multiple times during a weekend followed by other sessions of sitting and talking does not sound like a great time for me. Even Jesus did much of his teaching while people were walking places or eating or even working on fishing nets! Teach while doing.

2) Toughen Up Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Washington State is big on this right now (http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/proverbs/men-and-masculinity). He probably states it better than I do, but if you look at our church memberships (and even leadership) we see a lot of women and guys who I wouldn't put on my "tough man list." Sure, we need to be sensitive and supportive, loving, etc. But when guys get together its time to cut through the crap and get to the root of things in the ways men communicate and that's not necessarily the let's-talk-about-our-feelings-way; it's the face-up-to-your-responsibilities-as-a-man-way and just do it. There is a place to deal with our underlying issues, I just don't think its sitting around a large circle of men hugging it out.

3) Who We Are Christian man weekends (way better than "Men's Retreat" because real men don't retreat, they fight until the end, or at least resupply) are about reminding us who we were meant to be. Part of that is what we are called to do, but we need to remind each other that Jesus Christ calls us to be a disciple of him, a man tough enough to die without saying a word, and strong enough to "teach with authority" (Matthew 7:28-29). We need to teach and challenge men to be like that.

Again, I don't want to say that all Man weekends have each of these areas squarely in the "suck" category, but enough of them do to warrant this list. What are some of your experiences, good or bad? Should we move from Men's Retreat to Man weekend? You have my thoughts.

an outfit.

I've started watching the new HBO mini-series, The Pacific, on Sunday nights over at my dad's house. This show is the story of the Marines 1st Division in the PTO in World War II. I really liked Band of Brothers which was the original HBO mini-series on the Airborne in Europe during that same time. The Pacific is good so far, but not quite Band of Brothers. You should check them out. These are some of my favorite types of stories, books, and movies, and I'm sure I'm not the only guy who would agree with that. I am of the opinion that guys like these type of scenarios not because we love violence and explosions, but because we were made to.

I often times find myself wondering how I may fit into something larger, something worthwhile, and who is alongside me in that struggle. I know that I have my wife, but there is a difference between how Lindsey and I fight for our family and justice, and how a group of men fight for things. Norman MacLean in his book Young Men and Fire called this an "outfit."

"an 'outfit' as men call themselves when they take on the same tough job, have to be thought a little bit crazy to try it, have to stick together and share the same training to get it done, and shortly afterwards have to go to town together and stick together if one of them starts losing a fight in a bar. They back each other and imitate each other (28)."

Men want to be a part of an outfit, where they need to stick together, and fight for a common cause. Much like the sports teams we were a part of in High School or College, we long to be battling through practice and competition to reach a collective goal (This isn't just for men or all men per se, but I think most of us would fall into this category).

But here's the challenge. We know that we ARE part of a larger story (for those of us who are Christians) and that we have a role to play. The problem lies in the idea that we don't know what that looks like. Maybe some of this comes from the emasculation of the Church-- where we don't see how battling for love actually plays out in a tough, masculine way. We don't have to literally "fight" for people's souls. We can really just be lone individuals who remember a hint of that brotherhood or outfit we had by playing church softball. But we still long to develop the relationships with other guys that is forged through adversity (or maybe even combat) that church softball will never bring.

I don't know exactly what this looks like in real life, or maybe even my own life. Sometimes one thinks about joining something that will try to meet that need, a new job, a fight club, or maybe even gangs. I don't think these will ultimately meet the underlying need though. Until we can find real life, masculine, tough-guy ways for men to be involved in the larger battle of even eternal life, I think we are going to see men who aren't sure of their calling, longing for something "more," or are emasculated to the point of being ineffective leaders. Jesus had his "outfit" of disciples. He taught and trained them true manhood, and he led them through adversity and combat. We need to join together and form new "outfits" for today. And we need them soon. I'm up for suggestions.